A gradient hue of gray is all I see. The Air Quality, which now commands capitol letters and a variety of Apps on our smart phones, ranges from 250 to 410, depending on where I am in the Valley. The fire rests on the ridge of Sugarloaf Mountain and I’m relying on a weather-person to tell me which direction of wind it will choose to follow. Will it it travel to Kenwood or the opposite way, to other small towns in Napa? I deal with the constant images in my mind of black lawn, charred trees, and ashen remnants everywhere. Images I’ve seen before and would rather not revisit. I fight my inner world of worry and try to keep functioning in my outer world of taking care of what is around me: Jeff, our 14 year-old confused dog, and friends and family that are reaching out in wonderful ways. What the future holds is unknown as it always is, but when there is a fire on the ridge deciding which way to go, the future is scary and exhausting.
There is the television with the Presidential debates, current news, Covid reports, weather reports and a variety of other options, none particularly helpful or frankly, hopeful. Turn that off. I switch to thinking about the strong hold of my attachments and how that is causing me anxiety. In Buddhism, attachment is one of the five Kleshas, or causes of suffering. Attachment is clinging, wanting or grasping to particular things, feelings or outcomes. When faced with loss, it forces you to think about your level of attachments. Plural. I’m pretty deep-seated into being attached to my house not burning down. It’s scary being one ember from homelessness. I have movies that play in my head featuring rooms in our house and the plethora of decisions that created them. I press play on the mind films of years of celebrating holidays and birthdays and I see many years of tables set with heirlooms that I’m proud to display. I imagine what it would be like to start over. I worry that I’d be too exhausted. What if I just can’t do it? What if all my creativity went up in smoke? Nothing left. I think about the plants outside dehydrated blowing in the hot wind wondering why I’ve abandoned them. I imagine the work that it would take to fill the vacant, charred earth with new plants. Let’s be real, I’m even attached to the plants. Just these thoughts make me need a nap. I feel my attachments deeply, but I have to allow for it. After all, I’m faced with the loss of my home and all its contents and this doesn’t happen often. Oh, but it does… it did… oh… sigh… Fortunately, because of my yoga practice and respect for all the teachings, I am aware that my suffering is based on attachment and I know there is a way to some ease, to some freedom.
What is the antidote to attachment? If I apply non-attachment for a fleeting moment, I can feel that I will be okay with whatever happens. I will have my health and the love of many people in my life. I will have what it takes to carry-on. My happiness is not contingent on one outcome. My happiness is deeper and is always there for me. For all of this, I am grateful. Having the ability to rethink the situation and see myself moving forward with whatever circumstances I am dealt, provides the relief I am seeking. It is the antidote. “There is enough strength in you to overcome anything in life”, says Lailah Gifty Akita. Thank you, Lailah. I believe there is too. It just hides sometimes.
Reflections from this week strengthen my faith in remaining open to whatever happens. That’s not to say that I would not cry my heart out letting go of so much of my life, or that I would not curl up in a ball in my bed for what would seem like too long of a time, but I would survive. And when I feel myself open in this way, things coming and going, life changing again and again, it provides ease and freedom from that tight grasping for things I have no control of, like which way the wind will guide the fire. It is said that we can live more fully by releasing our attachments and I feel how that can be possible. From the Living Yoga Blog, “In fact, one of the key insights to Yoga philosophy is that it is only when we let go of attachment that we are able to truly appreciate people, things and events as they are, untainted by our personal agendas.” I understand that.